LIFESTYLE
10 Ways to Become a Better Man: A Modern Gentleman’s Guide
What exactly makes a man better?
Is it money? A successful career? The way he dresses? The car he drives? His confidence when he walks into a room?
All of those things can say something about a man. None of them, on their own, makes him one worth admiring.
I’ve spent years writing about men’s style and what it means to be a gentleman, and one thing I still believe strongly is this: looking the part is only the beginning.
A better man takes care of himself. He has direction. He develops his mind. He values people. He knows how to carry himself, but also how to treat people when there is absolutely nothing to gain from doing so.
And no, you don’t become that man overnight.
There is always something to work on. Something to learn. A bad habit to drop. A relationship that deserves more attention. A goal you’ve been postponing for far too long.
So wherever you happen to be in life right now, here are ten places to start.
#1. OWN YOUR MORNING
You’ve probably heard “early to bed, early to rise” more times than you care to remember.
I’m not here to convince you that every successful man needs to wake up at 5 a.m.
But I do believe a man should have some control over how his day begins.
If your morning consists of hitting snooze three times, grabbing your phone before your feet touch the floor, rushing through a shower and running out of the house already stressed, something needs to change.
Wake up early enough to give yourself room.
Exercise. Pray. Read. Have your coffee quietly. Go over your schedule. Spend a little time with your family. Do whatever works for your life, but try not to begin every day reacting to everybody else.
Of course, waking up earlier shouldn’t mean depriving yourself of proper sleep. The point isn’t to win a competition over who gets out of bed first.
The point is simple: start your day before your day starts controlling you.
#2. HAVE A PLAN
Where exactly are you going?
You don’t need the next twenty years mapped out. Life will laugh at some of those plans anyway.
But you should have direction.
Think about your career, business, money, health, family and personal life. What needs attention right now? What are you trying to accomplish this year? What would you genuinely like your life to look like a few years from now?
Write some of it down.
Break the big things into smaller steps. Give yourself deadlines where they make sense. Check your progress. Adjust when life changes.
And please, have a financial plan too.
Know what comes in and what goes out. Save when you can. Be sensible about debt. Don’t spend money you don’t have simply because you want strangers to think you’re doing well.
There is nothing classy about looking rich and being broke.
You also don’t need to announce every move you’re about to make. Sometimes the best thing you can do is put your head down, get to work and allow people to notice the results later.
Have a plan. Then give the plan a chance by actually doing the work.
#3. INVEST IN YOUR STYLE
Now, I couldn’t possibly write a guide on becoming a better man and leave this one out, could I?
Invest in your style.
And before you interpret that as an instruction to go shopping, it isn’t. Some men own wardrobes worth thousands and still haven’t figured out how to dress themselves.
Good style begins with understanding yourself.
Know what fits your body. Know your colours. Dress for the occasion. Take care of your shoes. Keep your clothes clean and properly pressed. Groom yourself. Buy things that work with what you already own instead of constantly chasing whatever happens to be trending.
Most importantly, develop a personal style that feels like you.
I’ve always made a distinction between being fashionable and being stylish. Fashion changes. Trends come and go. Personal style has much more to do with understanding what works for you and wearing it well.
Your health matters here too. Take care of your body. Exercise. Eat better. Pay attention when your body tells you something isn’t right.
And when you walk into a room looking sharp, enjoy the confidence that comes with it.
Just don’t confuse the packaging with the man inside it.
“Style should introduce the gentleman. Character should confirm him.” – Kobi O. Mbagwu
#4. DEVELOP A REFINED PERSONALITY
You can look like the most interesting man in the room.
Eventually, somebody is going to have a conversation with you.
What happens then?
Being refined isn’t about speaking with a particular accent, knowing which fork to use at an expensive restaurant or trying to convince everyone that you’re sophisticated.
It starts with curiosity.
Read. Follow what is happening around you. Learn about people and cultures outside your immediate environment. Travel when you can. Learn another language if that interests you. Develop interests that have nothing to do with your job.
And learn how to have a conversation.
Ask good questions. Listen to the answers. Know when to speak and when you’ve spoken enough. You should be able to disagree with somebody without turning the conversation into a fight.
Good manners still matter too.
Say please. Say thank you. Introduce people properly. Don’t embarrass people unnecessarily. Be punctual when you can. Respect people’s time.
Years ago, when I wrote about the qualities that make a classy gentleman, I made a distinction that I still believe in today: being well dressed can make you stylish, but it takes much more than clothes to make you a gentleman.
The clothes may get you noticed.
Make sure there’s something interesting underneath them.
#5. BE KIND
Here’s something that should be obvious but isn’t always.
Being kind doesn’t make you weak.
You can be ambitious. You can be assertive. You can have boundaries. You can say no. You can compete and still want to win.
None of that requires you to be rude.
Pay attention to the way you treat people who cannot do anything for you.
How do you speak to the waiter when the order is wrong? The cleaner? The receptionist? The junior employee? The driver? The stranger who is taking too long in front of you?
It’s easy to be charming when the person across the table can open a door for you.
Character shows up much more clearly when there is no door to open.
Help when you can. Give credit when somebody deserves it. Keep your word. Apologize when you’re wrong.
And don’t be so important that basic courtesy becomes beneath you.
A classy man should never need to make another person feel small just to feel big.
If you read about the 20 Rules Every True Gentleman Must Abide By, you’d understand that gentlemanhood is a choice involving behaviour, not merely suits and appearance.
#6. KEEP YOUR LIFE IN ORDER
Gentlemen, clean up after yourselves.
Seriously.
Being a man has never been a legitimate excuse for living in a mess.
Your house doesn’t need to look like an Architectural Digest photoshoot. Your wardrobe doesn’t need military precision either. But there should be some evidence that an adult lives there.
- Make your bed.
- Wash your clothes.
- Change your sheets.
- Keep your bathroom clean.
- Take care of your shoes.
- Organize your wardrobe.
- Clean your car.
- Groom yourself properly.
These things sound ridiculously basic until you meet someone who doesn’t do them.
There is also a bigger principle here. How you maintain your surroundings often says something about the standards you’re willing to accept in your life.
Don’t clean the house only because someone is coming over.
You live there too.
#7. LOVE AND LIVE PASSIONATELY
A good life cannot be all work, responsibilities and chasing the next achievement.
Make room for love.
If you have someone special in your life, don’t become so busy building a future that you forget to enjoy the relationship you have today.
Be affectionate. Be thoughtful. Make time. Say how you feel.
Love your family too. Call your parents. Spend time with your children.
Check on the people you care about. One of life’s uncomfortable truths is that we don’t get unlimited time with anybody.
And then there is passion beyond relationships.
Have something you genuinely enjoy.
Maybe it’s your work. Maybe it’s a business you’re building, music, travel, football, cooking, cars, art, style, photography or something nobody else in your circle understands.
Who cares?
Every part of your life doesn’t need to make money or improve your résumé.
Some things should simply make you happy.
Build a life you actually enjoy living.
#8. BUILD REAL CONNECTIONS
Put the phone down.
Seriously.
The next time you’re at a wedding, conference, airport lounge, dinner or social event, resist the temptation to spend every quiet moment scrolling through your phone.
Look around.
Talk to someone.
You never know who you could meet.
But here’s the part people sometimes get wrong about networking: don’t walk into every conversation calculating what the other person can do for you.
That’s not networking. That’s prospecting.
People can usually feel that.
Have real conversations. Ask questions because you’re interested in the answer. Remember people’s names. Know how to give a proper handshake. Introduce people who should know each other. Follow up occasionally.
And don’t wait until you need a favour before suddenly rediscovering someone’s phone number.
A strong network is built over time, usually through dozens of small interactions that didn’t seem particularly important when they happened.
Stay in touch.
Be useful when you can.
And as I’ve consistently preached and written over the years on this platform, don’t be a bug. Respect personal space, avoid aggressive persistence, read the room and maintain social grace.
#9. VALUE GOOD FRIENDSHIPS
When was the last time you called one of your good friends for absolutely no reason?
Not because you needed something.
Not because it was their birthday.
Just to check in.
As men get older, friendship can become surprisingly easy to neglect. Careers become demanding. People marry. Children arrive. Someone moves away. Everyone gets busy.
Then six months pass.
Make the call.
You don’t need fifty close friends. A handful of genuine ones can be worth far more.
Keep people around you who can celebrate your wins without turning everything into a competition. Friends who can tell you when you’re wrong. People you can laugh with, disagree with and still call when life becomes difficult.
But don’t make friendship entirely about what other people should provide for you.
Show up for them too.
Celebrate them.
Check on them.
Be available when it matters.
Before asking whether you have good friends, ask whether you’re being one.
#10. BUILD REAL CONFIDENCE
Walk with your head up.
Speak clearly.
Make eye contact. Yes, look people in the eye.
Know your worth. Take up the space that rightfully belongs to you.
But don’t mistake confidence for noise.
I’ve met confident men who barely need to announce themselves and insecure men who make sure everybody in the room knows they’re there.
Real confidence is built. It grows every time you give yourself another reason to trust yourself.
You said you’d do something and you did it.
You learned something that once intimidated you.
You entered a room where you weren’t the most knowledgeable person and didn’t feel the need to pretend otherwise.
You took a risk.
You failed.
You survived it.
You learned something from it and tried again.
That’s how confidence grows.
And a confident man doesn’t need to know everything.
He can say, “I don’t know.”
He can ask for help or advice. He can change his mind when presented with better information. He can admit when he got something wrong.
He can walk into a room filled with people more successful than he is without feeling that their success somehow reduces his own.
He doesn’t have to be the loudest person in the room, and he certainly doesn’t need to diminish another man to establish his own importance.
So take some risks where the potential reward justifies them. Get uncomfortable occasionally. Accept that some attempts will fail.
Learn. Improve. Keep moving.
Eventually, confidence becomes less about convincing other people of who you are and more about knowing who you are yourself.
FINAL THOUGHTS: THE STANDARD YOU SET FOR YOURSELF
Here’s the truth.
There isn’t a morning when you’ll wake up, look in the mirror and receive confirmation that you’ve officially become the perfect man.
Thank goodness for that.
We’re all still figuring things out.
There will be periods when you’re disciplined and periods when you fall off. Plans will change.
There will be successes that strengthen your confidence and failures that test it.
You’ll make mistakes. You’ll outgrow people, opinions, clothes and perhaps even versions of yourself that once made perfect sense.
That’s life.
The important thing is to keep raising your standard. Ask yourself some of these questions.
- How do you take care of yourself?
- How do you treat people?
- What kind of friend are you?
- What kind of partner, father, son, brother or colleague are you?
- What happens when nobody is watching?
Because ultimately, becoming a better man isn’t one grand transformation.
It’s in the little things you repeatedly choose to do, deliberately and often when nobody else is watching.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is progress, with standards.
So dress well, certainly.
But also live well.
Learn something. Keep learning.
Take care of yourself and the people who matter to you.
Keep your environment in order.
Do meaningful work.
Laugh. Love. Be kind.
And never become so satisfied with the man you are today that you stop being curious about the man you could become tomorrow.
Wherever you are today, keep working toward becoming a better version of the man you were yesterday.
That’s what being a modern gentleman is really about.
Yours in Style,
Kobi O. Mbagwu (Mr. Kobi)
Founder, MR KOACHMAN
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